I was in fear every day and never knew when the abuse was coming. When I was in catholic elementary school I needed to be hypervigilant for every slap, punch, and head slam into the black board. My aggressive part came into being then and I retaliated every physical assault back on sister. She didn’t know what to do with my “un-Godly” behavior. I was powerless until I wasn’t and I took on the bullies’ tactics to feel empowered.
Who are the bullies?
Bullying is an aggressive behavior to create the feeling of inferiority in the victim. Bullying can be mild acts like putdowns, snide remarks, to physical aggression, hitting and punching the victim. They can also be threats to do harm or humiliate someone Infront of their peers. There are 4 types of bullying
- Verbal bullying
- Physical bullying
- Social bullying
- Cyberbullying
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) sees the bullying as a part. The bullying part could be a protector that is protecting the bully from feeling deep internal hidden feelings of insecurity or feeling less then. The bullying is a way to feel powerful to divert attention from feeling insignificant to feeling powerful.
We all have parts and the protectors work to keep the wounded parts from feeling the intense negative self-feeling and beliefs. Not all protectors are aggressive they can present as dissociation, people pleasing or over achiever.
Who are the bullied?
The victims of bullying are usually those perceived by the bully as “different.” Kids that have disabilities, are smaller than others, a student struggling with academics, someone that is not good at sports/gym are mocked and publicly hamulated by the bully. These kids are afraid to inform the school administration of the incidents because if they tattletale the bully will retaliate and possibly with even worse abuse.
Being bullied creates fear, the attacks are unpredictable, so the bullied needs to be vigilant which creates more fear. Their fear state causes high adrenalin and cortisol release. The increase in these chemicals impact the brain and body with symptoms of disturbed sleep, gastrointestinal issues, headaches, chronic pain and a rapid heart rate which can trigger more stress. These responses happen automatically in response to the felt threat by the bully.
Due to the prolonged and repeated stress of the bullying, the child brain is altered. The system of being in a calm state – stressor – recovery – calm, is changed, the child is trapped in the stressor and the continuous release of the stress hormones. The child can develop depression, anxiety and trauma. This changed brain body state can worsen leading to the child having suicidal ideation or attempts.
Studies have shown that victims of bullies are more sensitive to environmental cues and can misinterpretation their peers. Due to this change in information processing they see situation of bullying when there may not be any. This is not the victim lying but rather the stress chemicals influence in brain patterns due to the hypersensitivity. They see danger even where there may not be danger. This is common with combat veterans, dropping to the ground in response to a loud noise their brains have been trained to react without any cognitive discernment. It is survival. The victim of bullying is in a constant state of survival.
In the research materials on trauma and victims of trauma it has been shown that the way the victim views their part in the trauma will determine the recovery time and success. Victims of bullying/trauma can view themselves as responsible for the abuse and that leads to the belief that it is “me” that I am doomed to be the victim for the rest of my life. Everywhere I go there I am. This is an internal process that provides some rational for the bullying. It becomes a personal deservingness it is uncontrollable– “I am a victim. I am powerless,” the trauma is unpredictable and uncontrollable.
Behavioral self-blame, this is viewed as controllable, just something that happened and could have happened to anyone – wrong place at the wrong time. The view in this perception is unpredictable and controllable. This belief system responds much better to therapy than the internal self-blame that holds they are at fault for the abuse.
What is the future for both?
Currently school systems place the onus on the victim of the bullying by allowing them to leave the class earlier than their peers to lessen the possibility of encountering their bully or by allowing them to use staff bathrooms or having the victim escorted between classes creating more of a sense of victimhood, they are a problem for the school. The culpability needs to be placed on the bully – hold them responsible for their choices include mentoring, restorative justice, or other disciplinary measures. Therapy for the bullies is also necessary since research is showing the bully behaviors are most likely a protector part distracting them from feeling like a victim or their internal negative beliefs that they are less then or not worthy of love. Healing the wounded part of the bully is important to relieve the angry aggressive parts from working so hard and support them in finding a new more positive role in their system. Therapy for the bullied is crucial for their healing of the false negative self-belief.
My bullying days ended, limited to only the nun’s and their bullying. I wonder sometimes about how it could have been different if I could have been in the class with support and caring, with my aggressive part relaxed snoozing in a chair, I could have focused. I could have learned how to learn then rather than in my late 20’s. kids need to feel safe and secure in the learning environment to be at their best and isn’t school supposed to be a place where our kids can feel good about themselves and their learning?
