Valentine’s Day commemorates St. Valentine, who tended to Christians and soldiers and performed secret marriages that were against Roman law – putting his life in danger for others. He became a martyr in the Christian religion. February was also the time when Romans held festivals for fertility and matchmaking. Over time, the Christian stories of St. Valentine and the Roman rituals in February blended, influencing the day we celebrate now – one that also carries a strong commercial element.

Today, there is a broader interpretation of Valentine’s Day: celebrating love in many forms – partners, family, friends, self-love, and simple acts of kindness. Still, the spotlight in our society is often on romantic love, marked by flowers, heart-shaped chocolates, and fancy dinners. The commercialism is in our faces starting at the end of January, with cards expressing undying love filling the card aisles in stores. If you are in a relationship and do not offer some token of affection on Valentine’s Day, it can be a rough night.

It makes sense that romantic love is emphasized, because our societal norms still revolve around coupling, marriage, and family. But the heavy focus on romance may also contribute to higher rates of sadness and depression on and around February 14. For those who are not in a relationship, the day can sharpen a sense of aloneness and trigger feelings of failure, inadequacy, or anxiety.

That is why the broader meaning of Valentine’s Day matters. When we widen the focus to the people in our lives who are special and appreciated, we can use the day to reach out and remind them they are loved. Checking in on neighbors or family members you know are alone or lonely – or planning to meet up with them – can give them something to look forward to.

What is self-love

Self-love is important for our mental health. It guides us in setting healthy boundaries, helps us become more self-sufficient (so we are less likely to fall into dysfunctional, dependent relationships), and supports us in being better partners and friends. It can also lead to less depression and anxiety.

Self-love is loving ourselves even when we may not like ourselves very much. There are always going to be times when we look in the mirror and think, “If my nose was smaller, my cheekbones larger, my hips smaller, and my brain sharper.” This is common. The practice is to return to gratitude for the body we have – the body that has been able to run, play, and climb trees; the body that has birthed children; the body that has given and received hugs from special people in our lives; and the body that moves us about the world. That gratitude can be our true north – the middle ground between dislike and love.

When we don’t pay attention to the small accomplishments in our lives, we can start to feel dull and unnecessary. Social media doesn’t help it shows us single moments of someone’s life – smiling faces, raised glasses, happy gatherings – and we compare that snapshot to our whole story. We forget it is one moment, the click of a camera, and then it is done. People argue, disagree, criticize their image in the photo, want to hide it, take it back, or redo it – but the picture is already out there.

All we know is what that one insignificant moment seems to say to us: “They are amazing people, having fun and feeling good about themselves, and I am a failure – a waste of space. I don’t deserve friends like that.” I remember a survey done in England asking people if they would trade their lives for Princess Diana’s; the results were a resounding YES. Those results came out after Diana was killed in a car accident. We see in others what we want to see. Often, it is the version that makes us feel worse about ourselves. That is why it is important to focus on ourselves – what we have, and who we are – the shadow parts and the spotlight parts. They all make us who we are.

Key Areas of Self-Love

• Physical: Eating healthy, exercise, hygiene, massages, and hugs. Take breaks from work, stretch, and listen to your body.
• Social: Choosing supportive relationships and speaking our truth. This is difficult in today’s culture, but put your phone down and get in touch with yourself. Spend time with you.
• Emotional: Accepting all our “parts”: our loving and caring parts, our angry and jealous parts, the parts that want to shine, and the parts that seek solitude.
• Spiritual: Connecting with values and a belief system that matches yours, and finding your spiritual practice in a religious organization or in nature.
• Mental/Intellectual: Becoming aware of negative self-talk and learning to change it. Reframe it. Get to know yourself like a good friend by forgiving your mistakes and practicing self-compassion. Journal or meditate. Sing or dance your feelings. Tune into you.

Practices that build self-love

• Talking to and about yourself with love
• Prioritizing yourself
• Trusting yourself
• Being true to yourself
• Being nice to yourself

Kids and Self-Love

Toddlers are amazing role models for self-love. They love to look at themselves, play dress-up, and imagine a life as large as the universe. They are a doctor one day and a firefighter the next – maybe even a famous dancer. Everything feels possible then, and as parents we enjoy it and often encourage it.

But this self-love often fades. By the time many kids reach middle school, they can become very critical of themselves. They become more aware of their bodies and judge themselves against every other teen – often feeling like they come up short.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reported troubling mental health findings among high school students in 2021: about 4 in 10 felt persistently sad or hopeless, and about 1 in 5 had seriously considered suicide. Rates were even higher for girls and LGBTQ+ youth. Our children’s beliefs about their value and worth – and how they think about themselves – matter deeply, because this greatly impacts their mental health.

As parents, it is crucial that we are positive role models for our kids. By the time we are adults, we have had many years of our own negative self-talk, and it can feel as natural as breathing. Our kids are flies on the wall; they see and experience everything we say and do. Practicing self-love is a way for our kids to learn how to find the positives in themselves, too. “We can’t always change the experiences kids have in the world, but we can help them manage their responses to those situations and help them build resilience,” explains Dr. Wheelingot. “In the face of negative behavior like teasing or bullying, a child with healthy self-esteem will remember they have positive traits and be able to rise above that current, negative situation.”

How to teach self-love

• Don’t say negative things about yourself – Kids are watching and learning. It is difficult to quiet that negative voice in your head, but it is necessary. Show them how you make self-care a priority, and they will learn this and repeat it in their lives.
• Validate your kids’ insecurities, then teach positivity – Our kids are going to have those “I can’t stand me” days, just like we do. When those moments arise, meet them with love and acceptance – not by sugarcoating it with “Oh, that’s not true,” or “You’ll get over it.” Be honest: we all feel that way at times, and it is okay. Share what you do on those days, and remind them none of us are perfect every minute of our lives – no one. Model focusing on positives and successes, and remind them these hard days will come and go.
• Give them praise – Not empty praise like “You’re so smart.” Notice and recognize the work that led to the grade and the self-motivation behind it: “You worked really hard preparing.” “You really focused on your studies.” “You know how to set your mind to things.” Help them feel good about themselves, not just the end result.
• Create an appreciation jar / gratitude jar / self-love jar – Your kids can decorate it any way they’d like. Each day, the child writes on a small piece of paper anything they noticed themselves doing, achieving, or being recognized for. Some families also write notes for each other and add them to the jar, like: “I like that you played with me.” “I appreciate that you shared your game with me.” “I like that you knocked before coming into my room.” At the end of a week or two, the child empties the jar and reads the notes. This builds their sense of self and helps them hold on to their value.

When considering the LGBTQ+ community, modeling self-love can be even more important. The Trevor Project’s research has found that fewer than 40% of LGBTQ+ young people describe their home as LGBTQ+ affirming. Many do not have consistent support from family, friends, peers, school, or religious communities. Self-esteem and self-love matter for every child, but LGBTQ+ youth are still learning about themselves and trying to understand how and where they fit in society. Providing acceptance and support can make a real difference in how they see themselves, lowering their levels of depression and anxiety. With support – and with reflection of their positive qualities, skills, and strengths – they can navigate challenges and grow into who they are meant to become.

Finally, to practice self-love, start by being kind, patient, gentle, and compassionate to yourself – the way you would be with someone else you care about. Model this for youth and show them they are housing an amazing being who is strong, valuable, unique, and needed in this world. Writer and spiritualist Frederick Buechner said, “Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you.”