According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, there are 7 types of narcissistic parenting.
- Children are a source of validation – this narcissist parent will brag about their child’s accomplishments when they make the parent look good to other. They will flaunt on social media and at their workplace. When the child does not have any special talents or accomplishments that narcissist parent ignores them and does not attempt to connect with the child
- Emotionally reactive but shame their child’s emotions – the narcissist can express very big reactions of anger and rage if they feel threatened or their requests are ignored by the child. However, if the child shows any emotions the narcissist will shame them into shutting down their emotions completely. The narcissist will use humiliating and pejorative phrases toward the child to toughen up or grow up or it wasn’t a big deal.
- The narcissist always puts their needs first – a narcissist parents will make their children get involved in or attend the activities they are interested in and disregards the child’s interests. The narcissist parent will choose their activity or scheduled event over what is going on for the child even if it is something important like a birthday, graduation or even an important sport competition.
- Narcissists have very poor boundaries – the narcissist parent can make intrusive comments about how the child looks and their weight or hair cut leaving the child to feel bad about themselves and very self-conscious about their appearance.
- The Narcissistic parent will play favorites – the narcissist will favor one child over the other and drape them in complements and attention while speaking poorly about the other child or ignoring the other child completely. This behavior will create a great divide between siblings while creating the narcissist in an even more powerful positions with the children vying for the attention.
- The narcissist expects the children to take care of them – this message is received very early in a child’s life. They can expect the child to tend to their low moods forcing the child to try to make them feel better. They can make it clear to the child that they need to be thankful for the narcissist does for them.
- Narcissist will shift blame onto their children – the narcissist will blame the child for their own mishaps and bad choices. They will blame their children for having a “tough life”. Children of narcissist will grow to believe that they don’t deserve to have needs, and their responsibility is to take care of everyone else.
If you are married to a narcissist or if you can relate to any of the above traits there is therapy to support, you and help you to understand the behaviors and how to change them. The children can attend therapy to learn how to protect themselves from the negative false self-beliefs the narcissist creates in a child before they take hold and last through the child’s life.
